I'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to you, University of Van Camp, because after a tedious and painstaking evaluation of every learning instisution this side of Ursa Major, you have been accepted to house the burgeoning polymath that is Matthew R. Gomez. You should be truly honored.
Traditionally, His Faultlessness would deliver the newly-admitted school, using his spit-polished pennyfarthing, a 16-volume historical odyssey that details the past accolades of yours truly. However, in lieu of reading the greatest epic this side of 0 A.D. , I can instead give you a crash-course lesson on past accomlishments, and what you can expect from me whilst studying at UVC. Time is scarce until my forthcoming arrival, so succinct I must be!
Well, long story short, I single-handedly proved that the alchemy movement was not in vain, and stumbled across cold fusion shortly afterwards. Long story short, King Arthur stole my junior high metalwork project, Excalibur. Long story short, bullying Genghis Khan in elementary school was a bad idea. Long story short, the Neanderthal's wheel was modeled after my belly button. I created funk. I am a prolific speaker of Gobbledygook. And greatest of all, phrem saskto qazaqa mon wez wez!
I look forward to hearing back from the University of Van Camp. After your fee has been securely wired into my account, it'd be my pleasure to attend this fall. In preparation of my residence, the following must be taken into account: All of my professors must be of royal blood (Norwegian monarchy, of course). I'm not the fondest of creamed corn, but I don't mind it either. I require a wadrobe composed entirely of the Mahatma's finest robes, and I like my eggs faberge'd. That is all, and once again, congratulations!
"Pursue lunacy, think whimsically, go hard."
Matthew R. Gomez
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